Light at the end of the tunnel

I was just saying to my mother I thought the shots we're going to be the hardest part of IVF. But no for me at this stage it Is defiantly the waiting. Prior to doing IVF I was one of those people who looked like they were going to pass out after any bloodwork. “Are you okay?” Is something I heard a lot after words. Or “I think you need to eat a banana or something so you don’t pass out”. The fact that that same person now gives herself shots regularly and went in every day for two weeks to give blood work sometimes in the same arm one after another. Is very impressive to me. I am proud of myself. I will admit I did freak out a little getting my IV at this last egg retrieval in December. The nurse was pretty savage putting the needle in the side vein of my arm and not where they typically do. I couldn’t look at it t was freaking me out.

Anyways I went down a little rabbit hole there. My first HCG levels where 182.6 which we were happy about. My doctor likes to see a number above 100. Exactly one week later when I tested the results were 956. When I got the news it was not my usual nurse who I love she understands me and I feel like has been an angel throughout this cycle. But it was someone filling in and she gave the results didn’t say much, but said I need to go back for bloodwork in two days because we’d like the number to be a little higher.

She didn’t even need to say it I already had done the math and new it wasn’t doubling, So I kinda immediately went into a subtle panic suddenly not feeling any twinges or pains. Preparing myself for the worst. My nurse who I will call Jelena always says we stay optimistically hopeful. We understand the risks, but stay optimistic as to not cause any undue stress. And I don’t want to manifest anything negative. I have really been trying to unlearn how I used to think about myself and fertility. I have to completely change my mind set to feeling like I am already a mom and pregnant so I do not feel the sad feeling of loss which use to be so strong in me.

For the last two days I couldn’t really think of anything else. I tried to watch movies and a new series to keep myself occupied and ran some Christmas returns. But the thought was always there is my baby growing? I wrote down affirmations everyday reassuring myself that our baby is growing healthy and strong. Luckily my partner is very positive he is always reassuring me everything is going exactly as it should this time and not to worry. Easier said than done right?

Luckily I went back for the third bloodwork yesterday and I was over the moon to hear the levels were over 1800. My Progesterone is also very high at 54. Which mean I continue taking only one a day until the box runs out then I can stop. That was so beautiful to hear and I do not have to go back for another 6 days now. I must admit finding out that news felt huge. I was really getting nervous. However I was experiencing some lower right back pain which gave me hope the baby IS growing and up to something in there.

I feel like I can breathe for the next six days and that feels like a treat. I think I will post next about some of the symptoms I had. I know I love reading about symptoms. As much as I try not to I just can’t seem to help myself. I hope you are doing well wherever you are on your journey to baby and motherhood. Sending lots of love and light. Hanna