One Step at a Time

Today I am 7wks 3 days pregnant…The baby is the size of a blueberry. I hope. My last couple of HCG measurements where raised(positive), but again not doubling as my doctor is wanting to see. We are remaining hopeful, but it is hard. I want to believe my pregancy is going perfectly, but I think I am protecting myself from potential bad news at our ultrasound on Friday. We had an ultrasound last Thursday, but the technician had a very hard time seeing anything. She did see what appeared to be a gestational sac and yolk sac, but it was being shadowed by my fibroids and retroverted uterus. We had the dreaded wait in a windowless room, decorated with a nature painting, desk, monitor and two boxes of tissues. I was prepared to hear the worst. But to my surprise the nurse told us it was too hard to see anything today and we need to come back next week and see if they can get a better image and better measure everything against what they saw today. That felt positive since the last time we were in a room like that it was not good news. That was back in August of 2022. It took me a while to recover from that missed-miscarriage. I honestly didn’t even know what that was until that day.

If your a numbers person like I am (well at least when it comes to my pregnancy) even though I am trying like hell to do anything, but look up HCG doubling my numbers are as follows:

1.1 | 182.6 mlU/ml
1.8 | 951.5
1.10 | 1860
1.16 | 3792
1.18 | 5552
1.22 | 8851

Again if I didnt knwo any better I would thinj these numbers where great. Right they are getting higher! I have now learned they are supposeed to double over a certain amount of time. Mine where doing ok until 1.10 to 1.16 I guess that was a very slow growth period. I am seeing that a small percent of people’s number don’t double every 48-72 hours, I am praying I am one of those women. I want to desperately say I feel like everything is going great and I am not looking at these numbers. But that is not the case. I try to talk to my baby and tell him/her I love them and to keep growing big and strong. I hope it is working and they are not getting any bad energy off of me. It is hard to feel so responsible for this little life growing inside of you. Especially when the journey has not been easy. I feel like the sounds depressing. Maybe it’s the snow and rain and fog. Maybe it is because my close friend just gave birth to her second child last week. Maybe it is the hormones, but I am going to go try to relax by watching my new favorite series, Discovery of Witches. It is an older series, but I am happy I found it during this long week of hopeful waiting until the ultrasound. Nothing like vampires, witches and demons to lighten the load! Also trying to tap into that inner witch energy and knowing. There is something so beautiful about that femanin mystery, connection to nature and magic that is drawing me in right now. It feels like the opposite of looking at whattoexpect threads about allthe what ifs. Those can be helpful and make you feel connectced don't get me wrong I go there too. But I do believe they also disconnect us from our own divine inner knowing and peace at times.

Speaking of healthy distractions I am also reading a great book I bought at Barnes and Noble last week, The Half Moon. So far I am loving it! AND surprise one of the main characters is going through IVF. I felt like I was seen the minute I started reading so I knew it was a good choice. It also takes place around a bar in upstate New York and NYC. I lived in New York City for just shy of ten years, lately I have been really missing it. At least the idea of living in the city and the way things were so simple and yet extraordinary back then. I can’t believe it has almost been 20 years since I moved there in 2005. The time really had gone by so fast. Many of my memories from that time seem like they happened only yesterday. I have been having a bit of a nostalgic week maybe it is the winter a=or maybe its just another way to distract myself ;) It appears I have gone off into a bit of a rabbit hole. Thanks for visiting stay warm and sending love and baby dust your way!!